Bad Advice For Photographers – Never Try These (Ever)
Bad advice, I’ll give you bad advice. You’ll be sorry you asked for it.
The internet is full of good advice. You’re sick of that, aren’t you.
Well I’ll have none of it. I’ll give you very sound, very bad advice.
Don’t blame this article if you end up with photographs. You’ll obviously be misinterpreting all this good bad advice.
You don’t want to get waterscapes or cityscapes like those.
Everyone gets those, you want something memorable.
Sit back there and learn how to make a right mess when you’re taking photographs.
1. Leave the lens cap on while taking photographs
Yes this will definitely protect the lens, and keep it looking brand new indefinitely.
You’ll also get lovely totally black photos every time. Consistency is great and this will definitely nail it.
If on the other hand you get bored with the same totally black photo, you could take it off occasionally.
This will expose your lens to all sorts of danger and make for a very nervous time taking photos.
If you’re prepared to risk it, just for colourful images, go ahead. Just don’t say you weren’t warned.
2. Don’t put a strap on your camera
You’re not going to drop your camera, you think far too much of it.
Even the idea that you’d ever drop it is preposterous. After all the money you paid for it, you’ll never let that happen.
Straps don’t look nice and they’re totally unnecessary, avoid them.
Anybody who drops their camera doesn’t love it as much as you love yours.
You don’t have to have any sympathy for anyone who doesn’t love their camera enough not to drop it.
You’ll never drop yours so that’s an end to the debate.
3. Leave your camera switched on always
You’ll be sorry you didn’t when it refuses to fire up, and even charging the battery won’t help.
On/off switches are very delicate bits of equipment and are better left alone.
If you leave it switched on, you know it’s going to be ready when you need it.
Things only go wrong when you take chances, and switching it off is taking a chance.
You’ll be spending a fortune on new cameras when you keep switching them off. You know that eventually they’re going to refuse to come back on.
Don’t come whinging to me when something goes wrong and you refused my advice.
4. Never bring a camera with you everywhere
It’s nonsense to think that you will only get one chance to take a photograph.
If a subject is that good, that special, it’s not going to go away. It’s going to stay there while you go home and get your camera.
Rare animals love to be seen, they’re not going to go away and miss the attention.
The sun doesn’t set that fast, you’ll have plenty of time.
If you stray too far from home, well you’ll know better the next time. Stay local, that’s the trick.
You can have a good laugh at photographers wearing big backpacks all the time.
Remember cameras are safer at home, and any worthwhile subject will stay put, while you go and get it.
5. Never, ever use a tripod
They’re dangerous. They topple over.
Swing around and you’ll hit it a slap of your arse. There you’ll be in shock, with a smashed camera and a sore arse. You don’t want that now.
O K, the arse will get better, but the camera wont.
A camera perched on top of a tripod is as vulnerable as a fish crossing a field. Not going to end good.
And what’s it for, a good, sharp, clean photograph.
What do you want that for. That’s no fun, knowing what it is just by looking at it.
You want a good blurry photograph. Challenge yourself to remember what you were looking at, was it this, or was it that.
Now that’s when you can have fun with photography.
That’s when you can have people wondering, and guessing, and pulling their hair out.
Oh yes, that’ll be good. So go on, and throw that tripod over a cliff, and watch it smash and drown.
6. Don’t bother with a memory card
Stick in a roll of film instead. Just because no one tried it doesn’t mean it wont work.
It worked in the old cameras for a long time, so it should work in the new ones.
You might have to pull something out of the way to fit it in. It’s something that’s probably in the way, so don’t worry about it.
You’ll have enough photos in 24, you’ll be waiting years to develop the memory card. They take much more than 24 photos.
They’re tiny innocent looking things, but you’ll be old before it’s time to develop it.
I’m telling you, stick with the film. When it was good enough for Ansel Adams, it’ll be good enough for you.
7. Take photographs late at night
If bright lights hurt your eyes, think of what they’ll do to a camera.
It’ll be blind in no time if you keep using it in the sunshine.
Just bring it out at night, and take nice dark photos.
It doesn’t matter what’s in the photo, you can swear to people it’s something else.
They’ll be very confused, but that’s the way you like them. You want them rubbing their eyes and not knowing what to think.
That’ll teach them, and when their cameras are all blind, yours will be perfect.
When they’re all bringing their cameras for therapy, yours will be as happy as a turkey on New Year’s Day.
It’ll be confused, but happy.
8. Never take a good photograph again
I’d be very disappointed if you ever did. I’ll put it down to ignorance.
Obviously you can’t do the right thing if you don’t know what it is.
You’ll be making many people content. Remember confused people are content people, or something.
Concentrate on getting lovely, awful photographs.
Make sure nothing in the photos looks like anything real.
Wonky pictures never did your man, Picasso any harm.